Final stretch

I'm counting down the days until Christmas break. 17 including today.

In 17 days, I'll say good-bye to Upland until next fall. I honestly can't wait.

Upland is a nice place and all, but it gets old after two and a half years. I realized as I drove up after Thanksgiving Break just how familiar this place has become. It's hard to believe that only a few short years ago, I was a stranger here.

But all the familiarity doesn't make Upland home. My heart is elsewhere right now. I'm filled with anticipation for the future. I feel like a little girl in a frilly white dress waiting impatiently for church to end so she can run outside and jump in the mud. I'm ready for an adventure.

Eternal Sunshine?

What if you could take a pill and wake up tomorrow with all of your memories of your horrible ex-boyfriend/girlfriend erased forever?

I know I'm late on this one, but I must admit I'd held off on viewing last spring's TU cult classic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind until last night.

Before last weekend, I would have loved this movie without knowing why. I've always paraded around as a deep movie watcher. I'm not. I never have been. There are very few movies that I've actually examined to understand why I love/hate them. Usually, I just say, "Wow. That movie made me think," and let everyone believe that I was still thinking when I'd really moved on to other stuff.

But last weekend, I realized just how dangerous such an attitude can be. On Tuesday at dinner, Emily was analyzing movies, unveiling what they were actually saying beyond the happy characters and romantic moments. I decided to try my newly discovered analyzing skills on this one. Bear with me... I am a novice.

The Good:

There are several aspects of the movie that indeed ring true. First, I'll examine those.

Clementine warned Joel at the onset of their relationship, "I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a [messed] up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."

While relationships should involve unity of purpose (see Boundless), no person can complete you or make you come alive. Only God can do that. Of course, Clementine doesn't reach that conclusion, leaving Joel to say later, "I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that."

The most truthful exchange in the show comes at the end:

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: Okay.

The denial of this fact is the foundation of the divorce culture. People believe love is a feeling when in reality it's a choice, a choice which must be made daily. In Generation Ex, Jen Abbas writes:

No doubt about it, humans are a flawed group. We fail to live up to our own lofty experiences every day. Does that mean we should quit trying? Of course not! The athlete doesn't quit practicing in the midst of pain. He keeps at it because the goal of winning offers more satisfaction than any relief from his present discomfort. A mountain climber is not satisfied with attempting to climb Mount Everest. The pleasure comes with reaching the summit. No one who's been married will tell you that the union is easy, but any couple who has celebrated a fiftieth anniversary will testify that the sum of the ebb and flow of marital satisfaction is far more fulfilling than the strain of any particular incident. In fact, it's often through the trials, one might argue, that a marriage is strengthened. Few things are more deeply satisfying than accomplishing that which was thought impossible.

The Bad/Ugly:

So many movies act like infidelity is okay. Eternal Sunshine is no different. Joel leaves Naomi to be with Clementine. There are zero consequences. Dr. Mierzwiak's infidelity with secretary Mary does reveal a little consequence through his wife's hopeless tears and Mary's vindictive actions against the company, but more damage was done than that. He mentions he has children, yet nothing is said of their pain. How typical. Even the movies teach us to ignore the most innocent victims of divorce/adultry.

In actuality, Joel and Clementine have a pretty hopeless relationship. There is no real committment, and yet they've given themselves completely to each other. Joel does not fight for Clementine's heart (although the moment when he tells her she's pretty is beautiful) and Clementine never reinforces Joel's strength. No wonder they chose to forget.

The Conclusion:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind made me think. No, seriously, I was expecting to like it more, but I felt the same sense of emptiness I got at the end of Garden State. I've heard this movie praised for its realistic portrayal of human relationships, but when I break it down, I see just how Hollywood this movie still was. I hope I have more to look forward to than this movie offers.

Diagnosis: Spiritual Autism

This is my column which will run in tomorrow morning's Echo. I suppose you could say I'm scooping myself. :)

Sometimes, I can relate to the Rainman.

While only 10 percent of all autistic people display special talents like Dustin Hoffman’s character, Rainman poignantly reveals the dimensions of this tragic disorder.

Autism is characterized by an inability to relate and extreme aloneness. Doctors can usually identify autism before a child reaches the age of 3. It affects five out of every 10,000 children.

We watched a video clip in Abnormal Psychology where UCLA’s Dr. Ivar Lovaas taught Lisa, a young autistic girl, to sit down in a chair. Children like Lisa don’t look into people’s eye. In fact, they don’t acknowledge other people’s existence. They stare into space, completely unaware of a world beyond themselves. When touched, they scream and contort their faces. They seem impossible to get through to.

Lovaas continuously pushed Lisa down into the chair after commanding, “Sit, Lisa.” He would reinforce her good behavior with an edible treat and a hug. For a long time, Lisa screamed at the hugs and the pressure to sit in the chair. Then Lovaas made a breakthrough; he kissed her on the cheek.

Suddenly, Lisa was conscious. Her eyes brightened and her mouth transformed from a scream to a full-on smile. She looked Lovaas in the eyes as he praised her for “good sitting” and “good looking.” A simple kiss changed Lisa from a vacant shell to a bright-eyed girl. Such is the power of love.

Sometimes, I feel autistic. I’d never be diagnosed by the psychological definition, but when it comes to the reality of the spiritual realm, I lack an awareness of God and his power. I long for connection, but I’m trapped inside this vacant shell.

For so long I’ve lived in my own little world, content to arrange and rearrange the aspects of my life most familiar to me. I’ve been afraid to reach out, to look God in the eyes. I guess I wasn’t sure what He’d see there.

What Lovaas did in Lisa was indescribably beautiful. He woke her up with a kiss! Isn’t that a dream all us sleeping beauties share?

If Lisa could break free from her autistic stupor, so could I. This summer, I looked God in the eyes. Instead of shrinking at His touch, I gave in to it. The simple act involved considerable vulnerability, but He didn’t abandon me. He pushed me down in my chair, told me I was good and kissed me.

Now, don’t get me wrong. That Date-With-God stuff is nonsense; He and I are not romantically involved. It was a Fatherly kiss, an “I will never leave you nor forsake you” kiss, a Megan’s-heart-is-good kiss.

Without early, consistent intervention, autistic people do not recover from their disorder. I still struggle with wanting to control my own familiar space and sink further into myself, but through God’s power, I know I can beat this spiritual autism. As I stare wide-eyed into the future, I know I’ve made a connection beyond my self-absorbed prison. I can hear God saying, “Good sitting, Megan. Good looking.”

You're invited!

I have the cutest grandparents EVER!!! Seriously, they're adorable. They just sent me an invitation to their Thanksgiving. I don't think they've ever sent invitations before. They said I can come over anytime for any meal. I almost started crying when I read that.

Ever since my parents separated, holidays have been especially hard. They're supposed to be a special time of enjoying family, but it's not easy to do that when my loved ones can't even sit in the same room. It's really difficult when I have to miss things because no one else in my family has a broken home. Other family members plan things and if I can go, that's nice, but if not, oh well. By saying that I could let them know the best time for me and they'd work around my schedule, my grandparents are telling me that my time is special to them.

I love my grandparents so much. They are two of the most incredible people I've ever known. I'm looking forward to this break for several reasons. It's nice to know that family can be one of them.

Stretch Sammy

Margaret and I decided Sammy (the statue where he's holding the book outside of the fountain) is too wide and flat. He looks like Gumby.

Beware the Ides of... November

Things are generally going well for me right now, although I've basically checked out of college life for the time being. I'm leaving a few days early for Thanksgiving Break and can think of nothing else. I never thought I'd be this excited about going to Evansville. It's funny how one person can make the trek so worth it. :)

Bob loaned me an incredible book for while I'm on break. It's called Generation Ex by Jen Abbas and I've already cried reading it. I'm only about 20 pages in! It's exciting to uncover this new resource for my healing journey. I'll be sure to let you know if I still recommend it after I finish.

We had the Junior Bagging tonight, which was fun. Margaret and I were the only reps from our wing, so we sat with some of my friends from freshman year. The event had a Hawaiian theme (gag me with a kiawe thorn), but I chose not to don any cultural garb. The Alumni Relations ladies gave us our garment bags (I wonder if they hate their jobs) and Margaret and I headed out for Dr. Smith's pride lecture. The lecture was good, but the room was really warm, so now I just want to go to sleep. Mmmm... sleep.

Romans 8:32

"He who did not spare his own son, but gave Him up for us all -- how will he not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?" --Romans 8:32

I've been meditating on this verse lately. As anyone who's been within a 50-foot radius of me the past two days can attest, I'm very happy right now. I'm seeing my deepest desires fulfilled, desires I'd forgotten I even had! It's a very exciting time in the life of Megan Elder right now.

I'm constantly reminded of all the blessings I've been given, especially in the past few months. I don't want to screw anything up, but that's not the point, anyway. I want to grab hold of the life I've been given. I want to be healed, to be a new creation. I want to be the woman God intends me to be. I won't ever let this pass me by.

Happy... happy

I got back from the Echo early last night. We were done by 2:30 a.m.! Best of all, I got a parking spot in the English lot. It felt like Christmas.

Tomorrow is Broomball and I'm so excited. This year, I'm taking a guy I really like (and have actually known for more than five minutes). I'm trying to remember what last year was even like, but everything from that time is kind of a blur.

It's beautiful outside right now and only mildly chilly. It's supposed to stay nice for the rest of the weekend. I'm very happy right now.

Departure from the norm

Does this happen anywhere else?

Today, half of my Digital Tools class was gone on a field trip to see an illuminated manuscript. Shaun didn't want everyone else to fall behind, so he took those of us that remained to Vecinos and bought us all drinks! Then we went back to the Mac lab and watched about ten minutes of Shrek 2. That was my class! Too fun.

I love it when professors do that. Sometimes we get so focused on our work that we never notice the people around us. I got to know some of the girls in my class today that I'd never really talked to. They're all so nice! I'm so thankful for the opportunity to relax.

So instead of learning InDesign, I got a chance to fellowship with some amazing girls, drink a free mocha and watch Shrek 2. Thanks for the nice break, Shaun.

Somewhere I belong

It's funny how the lyrics of a song will explain my emotions better than I ever could. Lately, I've been realizing my need for God to heal all my past wounds. I was working out in the Well and this song by Linkin Park spun out of my discman. I had to stand back and say, wow... that's me!

(When this began)I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
(I was confused) And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me) But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
(Nothing to lose) Just stuck/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve held so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say
I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face
(I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find
That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I) What do I have but negativity
’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me
(Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain/ hollow and alone
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong
Somewhere I belong

Conferenced out

Got back from Nashville last night. Quite an experience; very different from last year in that I was the only person from last year's group, we weren't staying in the same hotel as the conference (we had to drive 15 minutes to get there) and we didn't fly, we drove.

None of those are necessarily bad things. In fact, everything worked out rather nicely. Instead of staying up until the wee hours throwing things from the 20th floor with Wes, Joe and Jim, this year's group went to bed before 11 p.m. and watched about 5 episodes of Law & Order. Everything was quieter, more laid back and less stressful in general.

Also, I got to see Erin and Simone. Things have sure changed since June! Mike Longinow (one of our Journalists in Residence from SIJ) spoke at a few sessions that I went to, so it was great catching up with him. Rumor has it TMatt did some sessions, too, but I managed to avoid those.

Conferences are exhausting! I was ready to come back and get done with things. We only have four more weeks of actual classes (not counting the week of Thanksgiving and finals). I'm so ready to be done with this semester! It looks like I missed a Cosgrove sex talk while I was gone, but nothing happened in any of my other classes. Ok... let's get these four weeks out of the way.

My "Main" Mitch

So this morning's edition of USA Today dubbed newly elected Indiana governor Mitch Daniels "My Main Mitch" (check out 11A). Gotta love the typos! Why is it so fun to catch them in other publications but it STINKS to catch them after the Echo's gone to press?

Sweet concessions.

So G. Dubs didn't follow the Redskins lead. Way to mix it up.

I'm leaving in less than 20 minutes for the Campus Media Advisers' Conference in Nashville. We'll be listening to NPR on the ride down, so I'll hear both concession and acceptance speeches. I'm excited about seeing Simone and Erin (maybe Grant?), but I'm not looking forward to losing 12 hours of my life on the road.

Back at TU, WOW is in full swing and the DC has gone into multicultural sensory overload. Today I sat down at a table with some girls from my wing and three men. The men were all speaking French. I love listening to other people speak in other languages (even though I can't understand anything). Being multilingual is such a romantic notion. I wish I spoke another language. Pidgin doesn't count.

Anyway, I just liked listening to them. One guy asked me what my major was (in English) and I told him Mass Communication. He laughed at me! He said I was too timid! Katherine came to my rescue, saying that I was probably tired. I think I am timid, though. I'm not cut out for this stuff.

Sleep theory.

There's a theory that human beings only need 5.5 hours of sleep per night. 5.5 hours is the minimum time required to hit each stage of sleep and get the necessary amount of time in REM sleep.

Of course, Dr. Cosgrove says you won't realize the benefits of this schedule unless you allow yourself about 30 days to acclimate. If your body is used to 8 hours, it's not going to take 5.5 hours without a fight. I don't think I care to test the theory myself (at least not on purpose).