You give and take away...

“Grasp not at much for fear thou losest all.” – George Herbert

Last semester, I studied John Eldredge’s Journey of Desire. He includes a chapter on “Letting Go” that I found particularly hard to swallow. See, last semester, God stripped me of everything. I was utterly alone in a foreign country. As the days stretched out before me, I felt the tugging of desire in my heart. This is not the way things should be, my heart said. But I held onto my bitter feelings. I held onto my inadequacies. I held onto the future I’d painted for myself in my head. I came to the chapter with white knuckles from all my grasping and arranging. Somehow, I couldn’t let go.

God’s Creation has an odd way of softening my heart. Daily, I’d perch upon the rocks overlooking the Irish Sea and yell at God for letting my heart break, for taking away what I thought he wanted me to have. As His Truth penetrated my defenses, I slowly began to relinquish control. By the semester’s end, I truly had let go of it all… except for one thing.

I let that one thing go last night. It’s strange how letting go is in one breath liberating while in another devastating. I’m grieving as I hope in faith for restoration. Eldredge says,

“Grief is good. It is cleansing. It undoes my world—and that is the best part of it. I need to be undone; simply undone … We need to mourn; it is the only way our hearts can remain both free and alive in this world.” (188)

My accountability partner is an amazing woman who works here on campus. She invited me over a few weeks ago for cookies and conversation. As I was leaving she gave me a poster of a girl on a swing, but instead of the swing being tethered to a sturdy branch, it is supported by a divine Hand. The words “Will you trust me?” run along the bottom. The poster now hangs beside my desk as a constant reminder to let go and trust God.