To the fatherless:

“The sadness was I’d lost a father I had never fully found. It’s like a tune that ends before you’ve heard it out. Your whole life through you search to catch the strain, and seek the face you’ve lost in stranger’s faces.” --Frederick Buechner, Godric.

Buechner’s father committed suicide when he was 10-years-old. The tragic event, in addition to his father’s alcoholism up to that point, colored Buechner’s life from then on. His perception of reality shifted, but perhaps more importantly, he lost touch with a sense of God’s character. It’s hard to see God as a Father when you don’t have one. I know from experience.

It’s chapels like today’s that bring back all the confusion. Renowned Bible expositor Sinclair Ferguson spoke on Romans 8. His chapel on Wednesday had been quite inspiring to me, so I looked forward to this message with anticipation. What I got instead was pain, guilt, confusion and heartache.

Ferguson’s words cut to the core of my soul. “No true father restricts his children from knowing him,” he said. This proclamation was met with a smattering of “Amens” from the surrounding student body. Tears flowed from my eyes. For 11 years I lived in the same house as the man with whom I share 50 percent of my DNA and I can’t remember a single thing about him. The only words I can remember him saying to me came after he moved out when he told me he would not tell me his side of the story. He refused to share his story with me. He refused to let me know him.

Ferguson went on to illustrate God’s love for us in the sacrifice of His Son. This too fell flat, as he explained how terrible it is for a father to be separated from his children. Much like Everclear’s Art Alexakis, “my father gave me a name and then he walked away.” He wanted separation. He declined joint custody. He’s never even set foot on the college campus where I’ve been for the last three years and two months. Difficult for a father to leave his children? I don’t think so.

To be fair, I don’t think my dad did any of that stuff to hurt me, but whether intentional or not, I will bear these scars for the rest of my life. Just like Buechner, I search through every face trying to discover the man I lost. God has been merciful, providing “father-figures” in the most unlikely of people, and yet the confusion, the fear, the vulnerability remain. A huge part of my soul is missing and always has been, to the point where I can’t even understand a simple example in a chapel message. Oh, God, please help me in my unbelief.