"I make a vow, right here and now"

Cages or wings
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby,
Don’t say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

--tick, tick, BOOM! by Jonathan Larson

One of the hardest lessons I’m learning right now is that everything in life must be pursued. Nothing comes easily, it’s all a fight. I guess I somehow assumed that upon graduating from college opportunities would throw themselves at me. I was hopelessly wrong.

Although I’ve never seen the show, I’ve come to realize from its soundtrack that my life has begun to resemble tick, tick, BOOM!, a musical written by the late, great Jonathan Larson about a man on the brink of age 30 who is experiencing what John Mayer so eloquently referred to as a “quarter-life crisis.” I first made this connection a little over a year ago. It’s odd how little has changed.

Still, I’m happy to report that in the past week I realized that one of the songs I relate to is “Why” in which Johnny explains how he came to understand his calling.

When I was nine,
Michael and I
Entered a talent show down at the Y

Nine A.M. went to rehearse by some stairs
Mike couldn't sing
But I said, "No one cares"

We sang "Yellow Bird" and "Let's Go Fly A Kite"
Over and over and over
Till we got it right

When we emerged from the YMCA
Three o'clock sun had made the grass hay

I thought,
Hey, what a way to spend a day
Hey, what a way to spend a day
I make a vow, right here and now
I'm gonna spend my time this way

Johnny goes on to tell of several such epiphanies throughout his 29 years. As I thought on this, I realized I had a similar moment of realization last May as I wrote my senior paper during my spring break. In the mornings, I’d work out or relax, then I’d head over to the library for a few hours of work. In seven days, I’d completed a 35-page rhetorical analysis of John Colapinto’s coverage of the David Reimer saga. I remember reading and typing and researching and typing, all the while thinking, “Hey, what a way to spend the day!”

So for the first time I’m admitting to myself that I want to spend my time that way. I want to write. I don’t exactly know what I want to write, but I want to research and I want to read and I want to write! I admire writers like John Colapinto who create narrative masterpiece while also presenting relevant scientific findings. I also respect writers like John Eldredge who incorporate narrative truth from film, poetry, literature, and art into introspective nonfiction.

Just like Jon (and John and John), I’m making a vow to chase this desire. I’m still clueless how, but at least I have somewhat of a goal for which to toil.

I’m gonna spend my time this way.