“I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul”

“The trouble with our ideals is that if we live up to all of them, we become impossible to live with.” –Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

We’re reading The Ragamuffin Gospel for Contemporary Christian Belief. Well, Margaret’s reading it. I haven’t bought the book yet. Anyway, Margaret read me the above quote and I LOVE it. It hits me right where I am, where I’ve been for ages.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to perfect myself. I go to extremes to prove myself worthy… of what? I’m not sure. But I know I’m not there and if I just push myself a little harder maybe I can get there.

It’s an addiction, an addiction to perfection. I have this notion of the ideal in my head, but it’s not something I can really visualize or grasp. It’s an abstract goal somewhere off in the future that I never will attain. Thank God for grace.

Last Friday the chapel speaker talked about America’s obsession with body image. I felt immediately and deeply convicted. I spend hours in the fitness center each week pushing myself and for what? The Bible supports stewardship of the body, but what are my motives for spinning 5.5 miles on the elliptical each morning? I do love the feeling of physical invincibility I get when I complete my workout, but I know deep down I’m just trying to maintain my slender figure. I’m constantly scrutinizing my body, just searching for imperfections to loathe. It never takes me long to find something to hate.

This does not honor God. The speaker (I forgot his name), who had suffered from bulimia when he was in college, said “God is okay with your body.” God made me the way I am and, sure, I have a responsibility to maintain a certain level of physical fitness, but only after I’ve made it a priority to maintain my relationship with God. I’ll admit the past couple of months that part of my life has been lacking. I’m a cardio-queen but when it comes to spiritual discipline my tank is empty. Yay… another thing to beat myself up over!

But the wonderful thing is I don’t need to beat myself up. The past is over, what really matters is my decision today. Perfection is an illusion, the ideal is futile. God wants me just as I am, an imperfect body with an imperfect soul.