Like the Red Panda

If I were a Xanga member, my post would look like this:

I just finished reading: Like the Red Panda


However, I'm not a Xanga member, so I'll just tell you about the book and why I enjoyed it.

It's basically a fictional suicide letter disguised as a novel. Does that creep you out? Well, sorry, but I'm about to go off the deep end.

It's been a while since I've truly read something for fun. Sometimes, I'll read books that are not assigned in a class, but they usually have something to do with my Christian walk or chosen career path. This book was refreshing because it was one of those books that by reading it I accomplished absolutely nothing. Sometimes, I feel those books provide the most rewarding literary experiences.

Instead of making me think about myself, this book offered an escape into the life of Stella, a girl who wasn't entirely like me. She was a high school senior on the brink of graduation who lived in California and had been orphaned as a pre-teenager when her parents O.D.ed on cocaine. None of those components are a part of my life right now, but I still related to Stella. I know what it's like to be an outsider, a loner. I know how it feels to be bored with life. I know what it's like to want to die.

I haven't been suicidal since my junior year of high school. Those times are barely even memorable anymore. I know killing myself was never the answer and I'm SO glad I never followed through. Feelings, situations, frustrations never last. Suicide is a horribly permanent remedy to temporary problems.

I'm obviously not the only person who has struggled with suicide. Last Wednesday at The Outpost, Kevin handed out an excerpt from Red Moon Rising by Peter Greig and David Roberts. He didn't get a chance to talk about it, but I read it anyway. Here's a taste:

I still remember where I was when I heard the news that Kurt Cobain had killed himself. Somehow, it seemed momentous that a world-famous musical genius had stuck a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. In his suicide note, he simply claimed that he felt "guilty beyond words." But, with hindsight, the rock star's suicide wasn't momentous at all; it was just another death of another depressed individual failing to find sufficient meaning in a messed up world. After working twelve hours a day copying product numbers into account ledgers, a Japanese man called Wataru Tsurumi wrote a book called The Complede Manual of Suicide, advising young people on how to kill themselves. It has sold 1.3 million copies since 1993.

I wonder at how glamorous suicide can seem to people who don't really know anything. Then I think about how complex the decision really is. I remember what it was like when I made that decision. Then I remember this quote from my favorite movie, Girl, Interrupted.

"When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it f***ing ridiculous."

The Joy of Chick-fil-A

EVANSVILLE IS GETTING A CHICK-FIL-A!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw it today, right off the Lloyd on the Eastside by Garfields. I'm beyond excited! This isn't just one of those mall food court Chick-Fil-As (we have one of those), this is a free-standing restaurant experience. Hooray for chicken!

In other news, I was reunited with my long lost buddy Ross today. I got up early and decided to go to big church with my mom, so we get to the 9 a.m. service and there's Ross, sitting in the balcony! I plopped down on the seat next to him and he looked at me like he was gonna poop his pants. He looks a little different than the last time I saw him (a year or so ago) because now he has a lip ring and he died his hair black, but he's the same old Ross. I was very excited to be in church this morning.

My dad was here today, so we went to see how my Aunt Lana is doing. She, Lisa, T and Michael are moving to Florida in a month, so they were all pretty busy. It was good to see all of them, but being in that house makes me miss Uncle Curt.

Tonight everyone's going out to Wesselman's to play volleyball. I'm SO EXCITED! I just love that sport. It feels like summer.

Warning: Under Construction

D.C. is constantly under construction. It's always improving upon itself, putting up plywood barriers to guard against the curious public's gaze until the glorious unveiling. Every election year, for sale signs pop up around the city to make way for a new ruling party. The city never stays the same. Something must always be changing.

In this way, I'm a lot like D.C. Just when I think I've reached the end, the pinnacle, I realize I've barely begun my journey.

I got my first B in six years today. Well, it's a B+, but it might as well have been an F. I know it doesn't matter; this is a pass/fail course, but I can't help but let it get me down.

All this time I've been stressing excellence, pushing myself, believing the just a little more work and I'd be done, out there, employable. Instead, I'm told I've "got potential" which is just a nice way of saying I have no idea what I'm doing.

So I'm sitting cross-legged in this little seat as Terry's ripping into me about how negative I am and all of a sudden I couldn't take it anymore. I told him how I could never tell him anything because he's always so critical. He said I must not have listened to anything he said after week two because he was always nice after that. Bollux! I wrote that angry blog on week three! We started talking about why I might be negative and that led to the hellish conclusion of last semester. And he's just sitting there, all pious with his nasty beard, saying that he didn't know my uncle died. That's crap, too. Everyone knew about Uncle Curt the first week when we were sharing prayer requests. Urg... All I can say is, don't act like you care when you so obviously don't.

I walked down to the Lincoln Memorial to clear my head. It's so hot outside I thought I'd throw up. Lincoln wasn't much help. He may have kept the Union together, but he couldn't do much for the sorry state of my fragmented life.

My 5-year-old cousin Sam asked me last night when I was going to go to my home and stay there. I told him it wouldn't be for another few years. I'm thinking maybe never. I just can't see myself pinned to one place.

Tomorrow is my last day in D.C. I just hope it's not anything like today.

Final clip

Here's my last clip of SIJ. It's been real.

Rolling Thunder revisited...

This just got posted on the Rolling Thunder Ky. 1 Web site. Ah, memories!



Grace and I are distracted by a photo opportunity during an impromptu interview in the Pentagon parking lot before the Ride for Freedom a few weeks ago. I rode on the back of Grace's husband's bike.

Saved! pokes fun at Christian subculture

Today we watched Saved! as a lesson in film critique. Bill Maddox of USA Today joined the SIJ group for the afternoon to walk us thru the process. Here's my take on the movie.

Initially, I liked it. I thought it was fun, witty, and (surprise) inoffensive. There was a lot of truth to the caricature of Christian subculture posed by the movie. However, I don't think the movie can stand alone as an accurate critique of the current state of the church.

Quick synopsis: Mary is a good Christian girl at American Eagle Christian High School who receives a message from Jesus telling her to sleep with her gay boyfriend to rid him of his homosexuality. She hesitantly obliges and gets pregnant. Meanwhile, her best friends (the other good Christian girls) reject her, while she finds love in the arms of open-minded outcasts.

So the movie's fun and mostly harmless, but it falls flat when trying to portray Christians. The movie's director claims the movie rejects extremes, but doesn't really offer any middle-ground. If you're a Christian, you're a nasty hypocrite. If you're not a Christian, you're a sweet victim who loves everyone. The movie preaches vehemently against intolerance, in such a way that they become intolerant. Hmmm...

The truth is, everyone knows Christians like the students at American Eagle, but not ALL Christians are like that. I know we all joke about Taylor kids always wearing masks, but I actually see a lot of genuine care in the student body, more than I ever felt attending a public high school.

It's a sweet little movie, but not one I'd rave about. It's an interesting commentary on how society sees Christians, but at the same time, it doesn't really offer any solutions. I'm kind of cynical about the director's intentions. Was he just trying to get a rise out of the Bible Belt and, in essence, score free publicity? I don't think Saved! is worth the hype, but I'm not going to condemn it. I just worry that it makes complex issues too simple.

One for the Gipper

This week, Washington shut down for the funeral services of former president Ronald Reagan. It's an auspicious time to be in the capital city, and I've been lucky to have access to it.

We've been watching the National Cathedral service (on T.V., of course) and G. Dubs said the most romantic thing in reference to Reagan's feelings for Nancy. I can't find the transcript online yet, but it went something like, "Reagan walked through many crowded rooms in his lifetime, but he said Nancy was the only person who made him feel lonely by simply leaving the room." I just about cried!!! I'm serious, there are tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

Last night, we heard George Bush and Prince Charles would be in the Rotunda, so after a viewing of Joe vs. the Volcano (excellent movie, BTW), we made our way to the Hill. With our press passes, we bypassed the eight-hour line and waltzed in the press entrance. One guard tried to stop us, saying we needed an escort, but we talked him into letting us in. We hung out in the Rotunda for almost two hours. We saw Papa Bush and Barbara, but Charlie never showed. Outside, people actually started getting turned away, and we were just hanging out in there for hours. I got a few decent photos, but I'm not going to post them yet because it takes time. I filed them with the Courier & Press anyway, so you might be able to see them in the paper tomorrow.

Donna and Brandon are in D.C., so I'm meeting them in a half hour at Union Station. It'll be fun. This is my last weekend in D.C. I can't believe it's already here! Time flies.

What dreams may come...

Dr. Oliver Hubbard holds the grandson he'll never see grow up.
(Photo courtesy of Dereck Kamwesa, who left it on my flash drive when he was making his powerpoint)

The long awaited conclusion of my Ollie post:

Last night, I dreamed my cousin Angie died. I went to the funeral and cried my eyes out. I also got a nosebleed. Hmmm...

This morning, I woke up and checked my e-mail. Donna had sent the news about Ollie to everyone in her classes and some Echo people. Before I could think about it, I went upstairs and got ready.

I talked to my mom on the phone about it, and as I was walking into morning meeting, I wanted to start crying. Ollie was my first real professor for my first real class at Taylor (Fit for Life doesn't count). He looked like the Santa on the remake of Miracle on 34th Street. He was always so regal, so collected. He was the most majestic man I've ever met.

I remember having class with Ollie while he was dying. He was so weak, but he was still proud. He wanted to share his knowledge with us.

I think he only came to three or four classes before deciding it wasn't going to work. The spark of intelligence seemed to dwindle in his eyes. He was tired. So tired.

The dream, Reagan, the bomb threat (which turned out to be simply an unidentified plane carrying the governor of Kentucky) and Ollie have really made me think about death more seriously. I hate thinking about death. It always makes me want to hurl all over myself.

I need to take a shower. I'm pretty disgusting and I need sleep.

Reagan arrives in D.C.

Today has been the most insane day of my life. At 10:30 this morning I met with Congressman Hostettler. It went amazingly well, and I'm kicking myself that I didn't check out his office sooner. The guy in the front office and the press secretary's brother are Taylor grads! The guy at the desk gave me his number and told me to come chill with him and some other Taylor grads here in D.C. I wish I were here longer, because I don't think I can take him up on that offer. There's way to much to take in before I go back to E-ville. It's all going by TOOOOOOOO fast!

Hostettler's pretty down. He gave me a lot of interesting quotes, although I don't have a story to put them in. Maybe I can squeeze them into the Reagan thing.

I finished up at Capitol Hill and rushed back to the apartment, drenched from head to toe in sweat. I know, gross, huh, but it's true. Lunch was cancelled, but they gave us money, so Ariel Eric and I went to the Italian Bistro on the way to Union Station. The food was great, but there was only one waitress, so I had to book it to the Marine Barracks in time for my interview with the Marine Band girl.

That went well, too. She's really nice and I'm pretty sure I've got some decent quotes. I have a lot of transcribing to do, but I think I'll do it tomorrow morning. I'm so tired, I might fall over.

ANYWAY, I stopped by Starbucks on my way back to the apartment and went through the press kit the Marine Band PR lady gave me. They had some great quotes in there, including one from Ronald Reagan. That's going in my story.

By the time I got back, everyone was ready to go to the Capitol, so we left a little before 4:30, bound for the Hill. As we neared 3rd St., we started seeing hoards of people walking away from the Capitol. They told us everyone had been evacuated, but we said we had press passes, so we could probably get in. We kept walking until we heard the fire trucks. We asked people what happened and at first they said it was a bomb threat.

For the first time, I truly feared for my life, and yet I just kept walking. First we avoided the Hill, heading for Eastern Market to meet up with Grant and Simone. We didn't see them, but people started heading back up to the Capitol, so we followed.

The police had the Capitol COMPLETELY blocked off, but we had press passes, so we talked our way in. At the first checkpoint, they had a "suspicious package" and blocked everyone in while they inspected it. We thought we'd just leave, but we were trapped. We made our way to the front to get out, but they told us to wait a few minutes. When the checkpoint opened up again, we were at the front of the line. Within three minutes, we were walking the glossy floors of the Capitol.

For some reason, we went outside of the building and thought we would have to wait in an even longer line. We told some police officer we were press and he took us straight in to the press/dignitary checkpoint. He asked us if we wanted to go to the "trucks" or the "platform." Someone guessed trucks and we went for it. At first, we had a hard time getting through the detectors. They kept yelling at us because we had cameras and cell phones. We kept yelling back that we were press. Finally we got through and a police officer escorted us to "the trucks." Basically, there were four semis sitting there in a field completely fenced in. Sensing this would not be the best place to view the casket, we found a hole in the fence and slipped through it.

Suddenly, we were in the lawn where all the congressmen, senators, and fam were hanging out. We looked across the Capitol steps and saw the "platform" where all the media types were hanging out. We told the police officers we were the press and we wanted over there... and they let us!!! So basically, I was within 10 feet of the casket as it neared the Capitol. What a rush.

Now I'm so tired, I think I'm going to die, but it was all worth it. Here's a shot I got of Reagan as he passed. Enjoy and be jealous of my proximity.

Ollie

Taylor's beloved theater professor, Ollie Hubbard, passed away yesterday afternoon after a nine month battle with pancreatic cancer. I will blog more on this when I get a moment later today or tomorrow.

Lightning strikes... Twice

When I woke up this morning, I had not idea what I was doing. My roommates were getting worried about me, because I was in that mood I get into when things aren't working out. I called the US Marine Band PR lady to try my luck and see if there were any E-ville people. There weren't, but she would try to see if anyone went to college there. I figured nothing would turn up, so I started looking for other angles. Nothing. Then, an hour or so later, she calls back with THE BEST NEWS I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. Not only did one band member graduate from University of Evansville, but she's also the first woman to be selected an officer! Whaahooo!!! So there's my Reagan story, a behind the scenes look at the funeral from the eyes of "The President's Own" band member.

A few minutes later, my grandma called. She'd just gotten off the phone with Congressman Hostettler's sister, who had just talked to her brother, who said he wanted to meet me! So now I have a meeting TOMORROW with my congressman! This is, like, the span of 5 minutes. I was smiling pretty big after that.

It's REALLY hot outside, but I walked to and from Capitol Hill in a suit. When it's that warm outside, I drink this.



(Image courtesy of www.joetea.com)

It's delicious. Apparently, you can only buy it in REALLY rural villages in Pennsylvania, but we have a refrigerator full of the stuff because Dena's friend brought it when he came to visit. I highly recommend it.

Ax murderer and the dreaded story conference

TMatt made me cry today for the first time during the program. I hoped he wouldn't get to me, but my defenses were no use against his glaring, superior attitude.

It was that stupid story conference! I go in with six ideas for stories and he maintains that I don't have a clue what I'm doing. If you don't know who TMatt is (and you might not because, although he thinks he is, he's not that famous), he's this nationally-syndicated shrew of a man who writes religion columns for Scripps-Howard. He's basically a pompous ass with an ego the size of China. While I've learned from his lectures, I'm not at all charmed by him. He's one of those head-in-the-sand Christians. I swear. We'll be watching a movie and he'll come down and sit and talk the whole time, trying to analyze why we're watching this movie and what a fallen generation we are. He wrote a column two weeks ago critiquing the spirituality of two movies he hadn't even seen! He just reads the reviews! And last night, we were watching the Tonys, and he didn't even know what Bollywood was. This guy's a media prof???

Ok, so I'm a little ticked. This whole experience, SIJ, I mean, has been a blast, with the exception of a freaky-bearded, pug-nosed jerk we call a teacher. Now I have NO idea what I'm doing for stories this week and the clock is ticking. Thanks a lot, TMatt.

HELP!!!

If anyone knows Tri-State people who will be going to DC this week to the Reagan funeral, please let me know as soon as possible! "This is a matter of life and press" (Hehehe).

Phylicia Rashad = my hero

(Image courtesy of www.broadwayinspirationalvoices.com)

The most graceful woman to ever walk the face of the earth won a Tony tonight. Phylicia Rashad of Cosby Show fame won "Best Actress in a Play" for A Raisin in the Sun. She definitely had my vote.

Naked old women and a date with Tad Hamilton

Last night we had a "movie marathon." I wouldn't exactly call it a marathon since it was only two movies, but it was fun anyway.

First we watched Calender Girls which I expected to hate, but really enjoyed. I think I need to watch English movies more often. They're really top notch. Eric was freaking out about the nudity, tho, saying that he needed to take eight showers or something. I thought it was really tasteful, tho. Definitely something I could watch with my mom.

Next we watched Win a Date with Tad Hamilton, which I'd already seen twice because it's HILARIOUS! Kate Bosworth is perhaps the cutest person alive and Topher Grace keeps it real, too. Good show. If you're in the mood for a laugh, rent Win a Date.

Movie theater church

This morning, I went to the church that meets in the Union Station movie theater. Wild, huh? I found it fitting, tho.

A movie theater is accessible to everyone, unlike today's churches. It's open to the homeless, the poor, the punks, the gays. The movie theater rejects no one.

With such diversity and in so mainstream a setting, you'd think the message would be a watered-down version of "Jesus loves me." This was not the case. Instead, Pastor Mark stood before the congregation and spoke out in Truth about the nature of sexuality and God's intentions for it. His message was powerful and made me think in ways I've never thought.

Maybe one day all churches will meet in movie theaters.

After the service, I felt a strong compulsion for solitude. I grabbed a slice of pizza at the place with the ugly woman's head on the logo and walked over to the park behind the Capitol. I rested against the stone stairs and wrote postcards and journaled. It was a nice time, but my mind kept racing. I soon headed back to the apartment, stopping to get a smoothie at the Bagels and Bagettes place (highly recommend).

I know this next week is going to be fraught with hard work. I want desperately to write the Reagan funeral story, but I don't know if I'll get it. This is huge, and I'm not so sure I've proven myself. Jess Wehrman, the Courier and Press Washington correspondent, told me I could write whatever I wanted and that she wouldn't get territorial, but I don't know if she'll let me have this one. I'm here, tho, and I want it. It would be the biggest story of my career thus far. "God, I hope I get it."

Lebanese can have their food

We ate at a Lebanese restaurant tonight. Quite an experience. I loved the decor, but, let's be honest, I'm not a fan of the taste. So I ate a lot of bread, rice and chicken and paid $15!!! That's half my stipend for the weekend!

Anyway, after our adventure in Lebanese cuisine, a group of SIJers and I hit Union Station for the Harry Potter show. It was really fun, but I still think I like the second one the best.

I'm looking forward to a story-free day tomorrow. It looks like we're headed to the Smithsonian. I'm way excited and hope it happens. It'll be fun to be a tourist again, but I'll probably end up doing some research for stories.

Prepare to be Potter-ized

Simone and I went to get tickets for the hottest movie of the summer, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Cha-ching! Tickets at the theater in Union Station are $9.50! We got student discounts, tho, so they were $6.50. Oh well. That's the price of Potter.

Huxtable in the Park

"Silence is the perfectest herald of joy. I were but little happy if I could say how much." - Claudio, Much Ado about Nothing

Maybe that would explain my silence since last weekend. Or maybe it's because I've been too busy with stories. Whatever the case, it's been a nice week.

Last night, I went to Shakespeare in the park starring none-other-than SONDRA HUXTABLE of The Cosby Show! Her real name is Sabrina La Beauf. Now she's a professional Shakespearean in the Park here in DC. Even though she wasn't my fav. Huxtable (that honor goes to Phylicia Rashad), I was quite star-struck.

The show was absolutely AMAZING, even tho half-way thru the first act, it started raining (noticing a trend?). Even tho I'd never read the play, I understood what was going on and was interested through the entire thing. I'm such a Much Ado fan now.

Getting there was half the fun. It was on the other side of the city, so we had to take Metro and bus. I'm not a huge fan of the bus. I'll stick to my Metro routes as much as possible from now on.

Tonight, Simone and I are going to watch Waking Life. I've never seen it, so I'm kind of excited. I was writing my story all day and didn't get to see any of the National Spelling Bee on ESPN, so I'm kinda bummed. Oh well.

I'm beyond tired, but excited about the movie. Tomorrow we're all going to see HARRY POTTER!!! I seriously can't wait. Those kids are so darn cute!